On Culture and Relationships

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 We can succeed only by concert. It is not “Can any of us imagine better?” but “can we all do better?”  Abraham Lincoln

 

Cultural differences are real, and they cause real problems.  A startling conclusion to many and not so much to any who’s married outside of their country origins.  American is a melting pot, that does not really melt everything.   There are chucks of good stuff there.  The fact that I can find a China town in NY, Chicago and San Fran brings me comfort.  I ignore the fact that really, no one in that china town will consider me part of their culture.   It matters not, because we can exist in harmony; following the same laws, getting the same vote even yelling about the same political stupidity. 

 

What doesn’t get examined is what happens when the Irish family from Nebraska’s child, meets the Florida Greeks, or the fifth generation American meets the first generation Thai.  The hub we exist in starts to pull and strain.  One culture’s comforts, are not so comfortable in another eyes. 

 

A Latin culture’s example where the woman cooks, cleans, and take care of her man, is seen as controlling and without freedom, yet, if you’ve ever watched Desperate Housewives, It doesn’t get like a truly republicanesce than Bree Vandecamp. She cooks, cleans, does not work, and yes, is at home taking care of her man.  Both women feel there is a way women should act and be, and can freely express their rights, they just don’t want to express your rights of them. 

 

To think that we feel sorry for the Latin lady, and yet, feel disgust at the pearl necklace wearing republican says something else about us.  We can separate culture, just not our place in it.   

 

Cultural difference of course mean more than the roles of men and women.  How we all act and react are cultural too.  What people don’t usually recognize is that culture is a) playing a part, and B) there is nothing to fix. To seek to fix it means something is wrong.  Nothing is wrong.  When I was going to school, we realized quickly that our latin members were rarely ever on time for events.   There was always some reason, yet, we adjusted by telling them a different time and never letting on that we were telling them a different time.   These minor deceptions made life easier for all of us.    It is important to know the deception was innocuous, and minor, yet would affect all future dealings.  IF they knew we were fooling them on time, then they would come even later, and then the problem would be a REAL problem.

 

You should of course prepare for when your little white lie if found out.  It will be.  The “little” lie should be Temporary, to get past a small hump, but not be made about a solution.   Take the Japanese way of saving face.   One Japanese fellow would never tell his American supervisor he disagreed with him, but would instead ignore orders he didn’t like.  The Supervisor stated nothing about this because often times, what his subordinate did produced greater result.  

 

This is a mistake. Once or twice is fine, but over all, this needs to stop.   After consulting a specialist he was able to explain to his Japanese counterpart that he was actually losing more face, because it seemed to his American friends, he was incompetent and that his employee was covering for him.  Thus explained, to cover both their bases, his employee would now privately (note the emphasis) bring to him things he disagreed with and after hashing it out between them, a move was made to go forward, with the full blessing of the supervisor.  Both got what they wanted, to save face in the eyes of a superior or others.

 

To over come real cultural problems, we must speak them out.  The hardest part is recognizing them and this often takes a neutral 3^rd party, who knows both.   In business you buy that 3^rd party, but in personal life,… get to know the right friends, and… save a little face.  We can indeed, do bettter.

 

OceansOfThought @ January 17, 2008